Till the day when two become one

it’s confirmed. Either April or June.
I know they have a notorious system, so I wouldn’t want to put too much hope.

You have no idea how much I wanted this day to come, how much I wanted to start afresh, how much i wanted to let everyone see he’s a healthy better man.

i don’t know how i’ve managed to come this far, but sometimes i really want to give up.
maybe it’s the big ego in me, or the faith in him, or his letters that kept comin
this will be the last.

i love you, but i love myself more.

saddened. too.

you don’t understand what annoys me because that’s just you.
you were completely oblivious to it and i know it.

but i couldn’t swallow the fact you didn’t put yourself in my shoes.
whatever i can say i couldn’t get it through you.

at the end of the day, you have tried, and don’t mean to
still, you’re my best friend.
what to do.

I really

miss him and his voice.. then
13th Oct, 3.25pm, Withheld number.

It’s him.

Whoa, that was least expected.

He told me he received my letters and only then he realised how deep he hurt me.
He, wasn’t happy when I’m upset, read my letters every night to remind himself of his stupidity.
He, was too proud before but promised to learn, wants me to study hard while he’s away and he’ll come back soon.

So I said, as long as you’re trying your best, you don’t have to be perfect to deserve me. As long as you realise and learn from your mistakes, I forgive you.
Indeed I was furious but I won’t hold it against him.

I might have sound dumb to you but I will wait.
Will you not judge me and him cause I know myself and him better.
Smile for me and give me your support, that’s all I need. Should anything happen I will accept and bear the consequences.

I still

tear when chua cracked the biggest joke.

I am no longer happy.

Because refuse 
Because wasted
Because unwilling and yet can’t do anything

Because we didn’t expect
Because we regret 

Because you are dumb
Because I have to
Because we have to 

I feel so down
so down so down
so low so low
low down low down

mom

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I am

so jealous of people, my friends, leading a happy life and I have to be a loser living in misery.

It was never the same. Both of us felt it.
Because we’re lacking of something essential, something you call, blessings.
Nobody could ever live right without it.

I looked through my past entries and realise all the sad-ed, angry incidents I’ve been through are nothing, so puny that my ass is laughing.
I’ve never been so upset, never felt so heavy-hearted. That it fills my entire stomach that food already interest me no more. For days. How long more.

I will be strong but.. sometimes it’s just hard to say, there’re people sway till they die lo.

But you know.
Sweetheart. It’s really not your fault.

Sigh, dudes! Will you give me some of your blessings?